A truck driver is cruising along when he spots a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road, crying. He brings the truck to a standstill, rolls down the window, and asks the little yellow man what's wrong.
"I'm yellow, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry," sobs the little man.
"Well," says the trucker, "I can offer you a cheese sandwich, but that's as much as I can do." So he passes a sandwich to the little yellow man and drives off.
A bit later he has to stop again, because there's a little red man in the middle of the road, crying. So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window and a bit more impatiently - asks the little red man what the matter is.
"I'm red, I'm from Mars, I'm gay and I'm thirsty," the little man bawls.
So the trucker says, "I can offer you a can of Coke, but that's as much as can do." He hands a can of Coke down to the little red man and drives off.
A little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of the road. Really annoyed now, he stops, rolls down the window and snaps, "Yes, you little blue poof, what planet are you from and what the f#?K do you want?"
And the little blue man answers, "Your driver's licence, please...".
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Bubbles and Barbie, two blond sisters,
had promised their Uncle, who had been a
seafaring man all his life, that they
would bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away
and the two sisters kept their promise.
They set off from Sandgate beach with
their Uncle all stitched up in a burial
bag and loaded into their row boat.
After a while Bubbles says,"Do you think
were out far enough Barbie?"
Barbie slips over the side and finding
the water only knee deep said, "Nope not
yet Bubbles".
So they rowed a little further.
Again Bubbles asked, "Do you think were
out far enough NOW?"
Once again Barbie slipped over the side
and almost immediately said, "No this
will never do the water is only up to my
chest".
So on they rowed and rowed and finally
Barbie slipped over the side and
disappeared.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor
Bubbles was really getting worried, when
suddenly Barbie broke the surface.
Gasping for breath she says. "OK its
finally deep enough. Hand me the
shovel!"
1: Now have a read of this!
Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun and pawn shop
that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 10th
anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra
for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect
on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety. Needless to say, this was way too cool. Long story
short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time; I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs. Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet
to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of
her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA
batteries, right? Yah. There I sat in my recliner, my cat
looking on intently, the trusting little soul, while I was
reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Kitty for a fraction of a
second, but thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat
and, as most of you already know, hell hath no fury like a
cat pissed off. But, if I was going to give this thing to my
wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions
said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm
looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less
than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself
"no flippin' way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do
my best. I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with
her head tilted to one side as if to say, "don't do it,
master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny
little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, CRAP on A STICK!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door,
picked me up, body slammed me on the carpet over and over
and over again and then slammed the recliner over my head as
a chaser. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left
arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had
never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to
herself, "Do it again, do it again!"
Please take this from the voice of experience - there is no
such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You
will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! Three
second burst would be considered conservative. A minute or
so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left),
sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent and forlorn
reading glasses were hanging miserably on the mantel of the
fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right
thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and judging by how
my jaw hung listlessly, my bottom lip must have weighed 88
lbs. By the way, at this point my testicles, feeling like
they withdrew into my body somewhere around my ribcage, are
still waiting for the all clear signal to emerge from the
bomb shelter. Now I know how Tom Hanks' character felt when
he had to go search for Private Ryan. I felt like I should
offer a significant reward for their safe return. Even now,
I experience shrinkage when I plug anything into the socket.
If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser to
test it, take my advice! Repeat after me...here, kitty
kitty....
JOKE ONE
A woman goes into a shop to buy a rod and reel as a gift
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes
over to the counter where there's a shop assistant wearing dark
shades. "Excuse me sir" she says "can you tell me anything about
this rod and reel?"
The assistant replies "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the
counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from
the sound it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10
lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's
only $20.00".
The lady said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by
the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm
looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime
the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but
then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was
her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person
around.
The assistant rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
"Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is
$3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
JOKE TWO
Why fishing is better than making love
* When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good
- If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.
* Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither.
- And don't want to know how many other fish you caught.
* In fishing you lie about the one that got away.
- In loving you lie about the one you caught.
* You can catch and release a fish.
- You don't have to lie, and promise to still be friends after
you let it go.
* You don't necessarily have to change your line to keep
catching fish.
* You can catch a fish on a 20-cent frozen squid.
- If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie
minimum.
* Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.
JOKE THREE
Two morons go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to
the shore. 1st moron: I hope you remember the spot where we
caught all those fish. 2nd moron: Yes, I made an 'X' on the side
of the boat to mark the spot. 1st moron: You idiot! How do you
know we'll get the same boat?
JOKE FOUR
Four married
guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took
place. First guy: " You have no idea what I had to do to be able
to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that
I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second guy:
" that's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her
a new deck for the pool." Third guy: " Man, you both have it
easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen
for her." They continue to fish when they realized that the
fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. You haven't
said anything about what you had to do to be able to come
fishing this weekend. " What's the deal?" Fourth guy: " I just
set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm,
gave the wife a nudge and said, " Fishing or Sex" and she said,
" Wear a Sweater."
Catch and
Release
- A conservation motion that happens most often right before the
local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught
over it's limit.
Hook
- (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever
advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on
a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said
fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also,
Right Hook, Left Hook).
Line
- Something you give your coworkers when they ask on Monday how
your fishing went the past weekend.
Lure
- An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an
angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to
the limit before exiting the tackle shop.
Reel
- A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when
dropped overboard.
Rod
- An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an
angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
School
- A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures
and hold out for spam instead.
Tackle
- What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just
before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.
Tackle
Box
- A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit.
Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you
reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find
that you need more than one.
Test
- (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler
when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of
your creativity in blaming that darn line for once again losing
the fish. |
